"I need direction to perfection, no no no no".
Roughly 10 months ago I started going to see a therapist. I used to be ashamed that "I NEEDED THERAPY" but everyone does. There really shouldn't be a stigma associated with seeking assistance from someone to help you figure things out in your own head. It is like going to a college adviser, or talking to a mentor. It shouldn't be considered weak, or "broken" if someone utilizes the assistance of a trained counselor. Things might change in this world if we all decide it is ok to ask for help!"I got soul by I'm not a soldier."
So now 10 months later I am terminating. I've gained some skills, worked through some major issues, and learned more on how I process thoughts (vent and release type). I was given an assignment to make a tri-fold pamphlet of something I learned through this. Considering I need to get some (most) of my thoughts out to really focus it down I thought I'd blog it out and put it out there."You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah"
I need to vent, just in general. Things get boiling in my head and I just need to get it out so I can move on. One way to cope (rather than spewing it all out at my husband, friends, or closest thing in my direct vicinity) is to use a notebook. When I am having negative nasty spiraling down thoughts I can take a minute and write it all down. Every nasty dark thought. I am not sure why this works for me, but writing it down gets it out of my head. I can take a second and see it for what it is "nastiness on paper" and then I RIP IT OUT, tear it up, and throw it away. I can take a second to write down good things if I want, but by writing the bad stuff it allows me to LET IN good and I can start from there.
I haven't had to use that tool in a while, but if I do get in the TAIL SPIN DOWN I will definitely reach for that note book.
"If you can't hold on, Hold on"
Conversely every day I get to focus on something good. Whether I write it down in my journal, or simply say it to someone (we do a "daily good things" after scripture study as a family usually) we focus on the good at least one a day. EVEN if it feels like nothing is good, there is always something good. Just hold on....
"Time, truth, and hearts"
Another tool I've found is looking at others interactions with me from THEIR STORY and realize I don't know their story. I would get in a bad habit of thinking people's interactions with me had to do with me. I'd be so worried on people pleasing or getting good feedback back that I was literally DESTROYED when I'd have a negative interaction. "So and so didn't smile when I said X so I must have offended them with my completely benign comment."
If I make a comment with good intentions from my heart in my truth (trying to be funny, happy, just to connect) and someone gets offended or upset, or simply doesn't react... I can let it be as what I intended and move on.
"And my affection well it comes and goes"
I don't have to be best friends with everyone and share everything with everyone, and think that people really care that much. I learned about circles of relationships (no not google circles either!) :) I have my inner circle of husband, children, parents, siblings, I'll even throw in my grandparents. Then you have a middle circle of a few close friends. And then bigger would be maybe a few social aquaintances (people at church, school, work, etc.) And then everyone else. I was thinking I had real relationships with EVERYONE ELSE (Stupid facebook!) I know I on some level CARED about others, but reality is I don't have time, heart, or sadly desire to connect regularly with all 500 of those people.
I deleted facebook. I haven't died yet. No one seems like THEY'VE died without me. I'll call up a few people and chat for a little bit. I've started a family blog for out of state grandparents. But that is it. I choose who I connect with.
Oddly enough, getting off Facebook I've realized I don't worry about embarassing myself or offending others so much anymore.
"Oh, don't put me on the back burner"
I also realized I don't have to neglect doing things for myself. I feel the need to get to exercise. Well that gets to happen EVERYDAY if only for 10 minutes. I get to practice my guitar every day for 10 minutes. I get to read. Work on my journals. Watch a silly movie. SLEEP. I do this for me, so I can be happy and ready to do things for everyone else. There is nothing wrong with that.
"These changes ain't changing me."
I regardless of what I've experienced, what I've done, said, thought, etc. These things don't change the fact of who I am. I am a Daughter of God. He loves me. He gives me these life experiences so I can really learn who I am. I am funny. I shine. I am loyal. I'm faithful. I seek connections. I work hard for others. I like to laugh. I enjoy others talents. I'm emotional. I am honest. I'm always learning. I seek to do right. I like people. I love.
That is who I am. Take it or leave it. This isn't changing and I am not going to try to change it either.
"While everyone's lost, the battle is won"
No one is perfect. We are all lost. We are all trying to do something. Sometimes we fail really really bad. Sometimes failing it the only way we could have learned. I can't be mad at someone for doing what they are doing. They may not even know WHAT they are doing. Everyone is lost. BUT God and Christ know. God knows what is going on in my head, heart, soul. They see what I am doing and can give me a break because They know the full story. In the end, I turn it all over to Christ anyway. "Here are all the things I've done."
