Do I have what it takes to be happy?

I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything. And funny to add, I wrote this title to this post MONTHS ago. I came back to it to see what I had started only to find a blank page. So that is great news. I am really ready to post this post. Ready... OK!

To start I want everyone to know the info I am referring here comes from Sonja Lyubomirsky Ph.D. She is a fantastic psychologist who has done extensive research on Happiness! See her book here The How Of Happiness.



You will see in this image of her book a pie (a yummy full of gluten pie.....). If you think of your level or happiness as this pie. Fifty percent of your happiness set point will be determined by your genetics, it is just kind of what you are born with. Dr. Lyubomirsky compares this to weight. Some people may be overweight. They have to work harder to stay in a healthy shape while others seem to have to do little to stay slim. So it is with happiness.

So keeping on the brighter side of things it is good news that only 50% of your happiness pie is determined by genetics. So what for the rest of the pie? Ten percent of happiness can be determined by life circumstances. From being in a hard life situation, or facing some other experience that only effects your happiness by 10 percent!

So what is the good news? We still have 40%  to work with. We can influence our happiness a pretty significant amount!!!  I love this image I found!

So my question is "Do you want to be HAPPY?" If you do, let's do something about it, today! A question to consider "What makes you happy?" Do you know? I hope you ponder on that for next posting!

References:
A great summary from Sonja Lyubomirsky herself on her topic is below:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-happiness/200805/what-influences-our-happiness-the-most

But I would strongly suggest getting your hands or eyes on a copy of her book. It is a great handbook for creating happiness!

A little experiment....

Background to my little experiment

So I was having one of "those" days last week. One of those....

kind of days. 

Things were just crappy. I was feeling sorry for myself. I couldn't get anything right. You know one of those "DOWNWARD SPIRAL" kinds of day. And I don't know about you, but once the spiral is going everything starts getting tossed in in ABSOLUTES. I HAVE NEVER, I AM NOT... I'M ALWAYS_______ insert your negative self talk here.

I was home alone with my child, working, and FELT the weight of the world on my shoulders,head, neck, etc. I let this smolder for a few hours building on itself. And then I got sick of being sick and tired. 

"I have a degree in Social Work. I have TA'ed Happiness 101 a number of times, I have read the "The How of Happiness" by Sonja Lyubomirsky multiple times, and I have a little human looking to me on how to become a fully functional adult... THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!!!!" (This is what I said to myself).

So I showered. I put my kid down for nap and I decided to do some UPWARD spiraling. If at the moment I couldn't think of one thing nice about me, I was going to need some support. As the list of things I didn't like about myself pressed against my emotions, I had an idea. 

"What if all the things I think are "wrong with me" are in fact the things that people actually LIKE about me?" 

Of course, this wouldn't mean the actual not so nice things that most of us have to work on so we can become nicer people, but things that I nit picked at myself about (personality quirks). Things that I "bashed my head against the wall" wishing I could change, but really haven't been successful... What if those things really were things people liked.... about ME?

Like how I talk to everyone? This is a nice guy I met while riding the bus one day. We became bus friends and when we moved and I wouldn't be riding that route anymore I took a picture to remember my buddy!

This would require some research. As the wheels of my brain started cranking I thought of this more in the realm of Positive Psychology (you know the study of what makes people happy and thrive). If this is in fact true, this could be a TOOL for working with someone with depression. This could be something for me to clinically study someday when I am doing research. I decided I've got to try this out with me with my friends to get myself out of this "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" With the people who "know" me, where I am safe.

Facebook holds the answers

So I wanted this to be as easy as possible. Rather than calling every friend I've ever had who has known me and putting them on the spot (or leaving some sort of awkward phone message "Hey this is Lindsay will you call me back and tell me what you like about me?") I posted this on Facebook.

Lindsay R 

September 5, 2013

  

So as part of my 30th birthday preparation I am running an experiment and it involves ALL OF YOU (I hope). So... if you would take a moment and think about me (how do you know me, what experiences have to had with me... how long have you known me...etc). YOUR ASSIGNMENT: is to ponder on something that you genuinely LIKE about ME... even if it was 5, 10, 20 years ago and I might have "grown up" (doubt it) from that time. I would appreciate genuine responses. Don't feel like you need to respond in a comments below. It would probably be better if you private messaged me so responses aren't influenced but however I get the most responses I'll take. This means a LOT to me. THE MORE RESPONSES THE BETTER!!! I'll explain the purpose and the results next week. I'm excited to see what happens.

The Process

I posted this "status update" and then made a list (still feeling moderately crummy) of "Things People Would Probably Say They Like About Me." It look time, and I had to force myself to think up at least 10.

1. I'm friendly-talk to others, reach out

2. Funny. 

3. Not afraid to look dumb for others 

4. Kind

5. Accepting of others regardless of circumstance

6. Loyal

7. Helpful

8. Talkative

9. Silly

10. Hair

I made this list partially to do some "Reality Checking" with myself. When someone is depressed (when I am depressed) a lot of times an "ALL OR NOTHING" mindset sets in. "I am the world's worst crappiest bladdy blah in the whole world....."

When in reality, I am NOT the WORLD'S WORST. I do have friends who love me. I have a great family. I AM a nice person, who is good as evidenced by..... and so I have to give myself PROOF of what REALITY IS. So that is why I made THIS list first. Other than being a catalyst to move me out of my black and white thinking I am not sure this list served a purpose to the actual experiment. 

Step 2: the dark side

I had to actually list out the things I didn't really like about myself. Those things that I felt like I NEEDED TO CHANGE in order for me to be "good" or "liked" or "wanted". Oh the negative self talk is mean sometimes!

So here is that list.

1. Talk too much

2. Loud

3. Feel like I say the wrong things

4. Too expressive with my real emotions 

5. Feel more comfortable with myself

6. Had more style

7. More uplifting to others

8. Awkward with things 

9. Not cool

10. Too apologetic

Now this list is the "short" list. I limited the dark side to 10. 

Step 3: See what others see in me

First, I was OVERWHELMED by the responses people made. I couldn't believe who stepped up for me to do this activity! People who I hadn't seen or talked to really in YEARS but I was still special enough for them to do this dinky little exercise. People who I care DEEPLY about but never really got to fully share much time and connection with them but who mean a lot to me. Family, friends, barely not strangers! I was touched personally and individually  by all 31 respondents! (My goal was at least 10 percent of my friends on Facebook and you guys came through for me!!!)

Second, just reading, hearing, and typing up what people thought about me was a boost in of itself. It loaded my "happiness defense system" full of ammo for when "downward spirals" are knocking at my door. When the negative self talk wants to point out all the "bad" I stop it in it's tracks and say "NOPE! I am this, and this, and this and this. Thank you, GET OUT OF HERE!" 

Third, I was surprised by what people actually said. These are ranked highest to lowest limited to 10 categories. I ended up with 25 + different attributes (worded differently) so I tried to clump them into similar groups.

1. Energetic/Ready to take on the world/ Enthusiastic (etc). 
2. Easy to talk to/ People person/ Welcoming (etc)
3. Positive 

These first 3 all ranked identical in numbers.

4. Perseverance/Determined/Strong (etc)
5. From the heart/ Genuine/ Authentic/ Real self (etc)

Tied as well

6. Full of love/ Forgiving
7. Kind/Nice/Thoughtful (etc)
8. Funny (make others smile)
9. Honest/Integrity
10. Resilient and Confident

11. Loud (ok, so I just had to add this one because someone actually said they liked that I am LOUD and that was on my hit list!) :D

Results?

The things that I thought were "broken" with me, when looked at differently reflected a different perspective that they were actually GOOD THINGS.

Here is my "dark side" list again                                          And here is "the bright side"

1. Talk to much                                                                 Easy to talk to/ People person/ Welcoming (etc)

2. Loud                                                                             Loud

3. Feel like I say the wrong things

4. Too expressive with my real emotions                            From the heart/ Genuine/ Authentic/ Real self 

5. Feel more comfortable with myself                                 Resilient/ Confident  

6. Had more style

7. More uplifting to others                                                  Kind/Nice/Thoughtful (etc)

8. Awkward with things                                                     Funny (make others smile)

9. Not cool

10. Too apologetic                                                             Honest/Integrity

And though they didn't come out in mass numbers, I did receive comments that filled in those other categories 3. You say the things that need to be heard.  5. You help others feel ok to be themselves because you are yourself. 6. You are beautiful 9. You like things if it's popular, or not. 

And I learned things about myself that others saw (A LOT) but I had shut myself off to seeing them in me. 

In Conclusion.....

I was right. The things I supposedly thought I needed to fix in order to be deemed "acceptable" are in fact the things that others liked about me.

So therefore it can be assumed that I don't need to change as much as I thought I did. 

Notes: Thank you again to all who participated this week! If anyone else wants to get their two cents in I am typing up my journals (it is a HUGE project) and I was going to add this as a "tangent" closer to my actual birthday in November. As a gift to me, as a reminder that I really am so blessed!!!

Also all pictures (unless they are of me) I copied from other sites (mostly Google Images). So I take NO CREDIT for any of the images. I am not sure if I am breaking any rules. But these are not my pictures. 

Thanks!
Lindsay

Come on get happy!

My Space 

I had an epiphany today. Rather than overload my social media with visions of sugar plums

and everything else I am passionate about in the Positive Psychology world, I thought I would create my own space. It is a happy space where all things positive can be explored.

What is Positive Psychology, you ask?

According to Wikipedia "Positive Psychology", Martin Seligman and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi summarized it as "We believe that a psychology of positive human functioning will arise, which achieves a scientific understanding and effective interventions to build thriving individuals, families, and communities." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_psychology

Pretty much it is the study of what makes people happy, and what methods increase happiness for all.

I like to think of it as "the bright side" of psychology. Rather than studying what makes people depressed and trying to stop it, it is more of an approach to looking at what makes people HAPPY and doing more of it. It feels more like action, progress, DO ABLE. And I love it, can't you tell?

A little about me for a moment...

Can you hear me now?

I love this picture because it was from a time I can say I was truly happy. I was being myself, having a blast, and made others smile (so much a picture was necessary!) 

I have a Bachelor's degree in Social Work, an active license and an ambition to study Positive Psychology as my focus of my Master's degree when that time comes. In the mean time I am an active learner. I am a wife and mother who is going through the day to day stuff. I work professionally in a job that I am constantly bombarded with negativity of others. I decided I was sick of "surviving" life and really want to THRIVE. 

What to expect

This will be a space used for applying (as in ACTUALLY USING) Positive Psychology in my own life. I hope to be a real life guinea pig and share my experience so you can trust what is being taught in the world of Positive Psychology not only is applicable to you, but can fundamentally influence the world as well. From having a space for daily positives, reviewing current articles on Positive Psych, book reviews, and another applications. I think including links, quizzes, self tests, and referrals for more info will be in order as well.

I hope your time here is well spent.

This will be an adventure for us all!

Enjoy!

Lindsay